Hesitant to Blog

So after many, many years of saying that I'm going to get on this weight loss and really change myself and my life (and sometimes sticking to it for a while), I've decided to start Weight Watchers. I'm not hopeful, or determined, but I've just decided that this is who I am now.

My entire life I have been able to get anything I wanted by setting goals and working my ass off until I reach them, but the weight loss has been the thing that has NEVER been attainable for me, not really. I have lost a little bit a few times, but never been where or who I want to be. Recently, I've noticed that I've become a quitter in all of my pursuits in life. I've become lazy and content to stay the person I am, even though I'm terribly unhappy. I have let my depression consume me and make me angry and bitter. It's hard to believe this is the person I have become. I think that part of it is that I am carrying an EXTRA PERSON around. I want to shed this weight because I think of it as the depression and stress and struggle living inside of me. If I can take it off, I will be happier, healthier, and enjoy my life.

I've started blogs like this so many times. I have tried and failed so many times.  I have had the reasons to become healthy, but my laziness and love of eating have always won. It has trumped everything else. It has been my comfort, my reward, my relaxation, my cure for boredom, my happiness. It has also been my struggle, my shame, my depression, my pain, and my stress. I am in horrible shape to the point I can't walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for air, 125 pounds overweight, in excruciating pain to the point I can't bend over to pick things up off of the floor, and I have severe depression. I am 28 years old. How will I ever make it to 40? I can't even imagine.

I know, logically, I cannot continue to live my life the way I have the last 10 years, with the scale steadily climbing and me laying on the couch watching television. I have to make a change, for me, for my future. I want children. I couldn't even carry them during pregnancy at my current weight. I'd be on bedrest half way through without question.

So, Weight Watchers. I'm going to take this slow. I'm not going to crazy overwhelm myself. I'm going to stick to my points per day and become more active. I'm going to stop binging and using food as a crutch. I'm going to work on me. For me. For my family. For my future. I'm not going to look back on this time in 6 months and say "If only I would have stuck to it." In six months from now I'm going to look back and say "Look what I've done." I'm going to be proud of me.

I want to blog about it. I want to record my journey. I want to remember where I've come from and WHY I'm never going to be back here. I'm hesitant to blog, I'm hesitant to even tell people about Weight Watchers because of my many, many attempts and my many, many failures. But I'm trying to remember that this is about me. At the end of the day, no one will care if I fail, no one will even care that I tried, but I will. And this is for me.

xoxo,


Mel