The Why

I have spent the majority of this evening crying. I was texting Matt for a while and the basic overview is that I'm so tired of saying and not doing. I have lost all determination and motivation. I have forgotten the WHY behind the weight loss and have been drowning my depression in chocolate, cheese, and soda. I have pasted below, a portion of the blog I wrote on April 23rd of this year to remind myself of the WHY and help with my DECISION to become DETERMINED again. 

When I was on my last vacation I did not take one photograph of myself, I was uncomfortable on every ride I went on, and there were things I couldn't do simply because of my weight. My weight makes me self-conscious, unhappy, and causes me to miss out on so many things in life. I want a baby. I want to be able to climb a flight of stairs without feeling like my lungs have collapsed. I am doing this so I will be able to enjoy life. 

Here are a list of my most compelling reasons and motivations: 

•A baby•I want my kids to be healthy, and I want to be a good role model•A better sex life•Going to HP World and Disney in February 2015•Be able to walk around at Disney and Universal and walk around without DYING!•Feeling better about myself/ Not being so self conscious•Enjoy the moments I have with my friends, instead of worrying about how fat I look in the pictures they are taking•Being able to keep up with everyone else

I am going to make a "Vision Board" and make it my computer background. I plan to use it to remind myself everyday WHY I am doing this.

[Pause]

Okay, created. See below. There will be a change in me. I am determined to become the person I want to be. It starts now. I will never see this weight again, I will never feel this way again, and I will be happy with who I am.

Photos in order from top to bottom, left to right: 1. Runsforcookies went from a size 24W (where I was not too long ago) to a size 4. 2. The seats at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter's Forbidden Journey. I could BARELY fit when we went on our honeymoon and I was 25 lbs lighter then. I don't have a clue how I'd get on them now... and those were the outer seats made for big people. 3. A map of Disney World... Going to be walking all of that in less than four months. 4. A map of Universal... walking all of that in less than four months too. 5. Matt and I at my Graduation. I hate how HUGE I feel, but worse than that is how UNCOMFORTABLE I was taking the picture. This was such a monumental occasion for me and I should have been so happy to take pictures, but because of my weight I just dread them. 6. Me at the start of this journey. 7. A candid shot of me at graduation. Even worse. I cringe when I look at it. 7. Runsforcookies before and after (she lost 125 pounds) 8. Skinny Jean Dreams before and after (she lost over 100 pounds). 9. A baby. At my weight, I don't think it's smart to get pregnant (if I'm even able) and I also know that it will definitely exacerbate my back condition. 10. This one is two-fold. The first and most important is that this is my husband and I on our wedding day. I love him with all of my heart and he is one of the main reasons I want (us both) to get healthy. I want to have a long, wonderful life with this man and I know if I stay on the course I've been on, I won't have one. Also, this is one of the only good pictures from our wedding. I actually don't have many pictures with him at all and we have been together for over seven years. One day, when I feel comfortable enough with myself to get photos taken, I want to ask my friend Jessica to take some professional pictures of the two of us. I would like to have some photos that I enjoy looking at instead of cringing away from.

There was one more pic that I didn't put on here because I wasn't able to find it, but the story behind the picture is that I was out with a group of friends who wanted a photo taken of us, so, of course, I obliged. When they texted me the picture afterwords, I thought I was going to die. I looked HUGE. I hate that. I want to enjoy the pictures that are taken with my friends. I want to capture those memories. I want to be able to look back on them and be happy.

I blogged all of this to say: Things will be different moving forward. I will be different. I am ready. So "Hold on to your butts" because here we go (that, my friends, would be a quote from Jurassic Park).

Xoxo,



Missy

The big move

I know that it has been a few months since I have written anything, but life has honestly been quite crazy. Matt got a promotion/transfer for work and we moved to Wisconsin. I quit my job (which was possibly the hardest part) and I still don't have another one. Matt left the last week of September and I came out to join him on October 18th. It's been almost two weeks, my house is still in shambles and like I said, no job, which makes me super concerned on the money front.

There are a few great things about the move. Matthew LOVES his new job (though he's still in the learning phase so he's not super confident). He gets along with almost all of the guys he works with and he's moving around, which is good for his health. We also are in our own place, which is wonderful. Once it's organized and in order, I know we'll enjoy it even more. Its actually really nice here, everyone is friendly and there are lots of fun places to explore. The biggest news is that we got a puppy! :)

His name is Bentley and he is 6 weeks old :) He's absolutely adorable. It is, of course, like having a baby because he wakes me up every few hours to go outside (though I am incredibly thankful that he doesn't just go to the bathroom in his crate!) It is hard to adjust to, but since I'm not working right now, its working out okay.

Then, of course, there are the downsides of being here. I miss my family and friends, I miss my job, and I am a bit concerned about the lack of income (Matt's raise was good, but it does not cover my salary, of course). I was also doing really great working out with Ashley and everything, but I have completely fallen off the wagon since I've been here. I haven't worked out once and I have been eating like garbage. I think that once this weekend is over and the house is all set up and we have everything organized, everything else will start to fall into place. At least that is the hope anyway. 

This Sunday is Matthew's birthday. I ordered him Forza Horizon 2 for Xbox and NHL 15 and MLB 14 for PS3.  I really hope he likes them. They are going to be at the store for pickup tomorrow so I'm going to get up early, put on the chicken noodle soup and drive out to Onalaska to pick them up.

I am really excited for tomorrow, it's Halloween! :) I'm going to make homemade chicken noodle soup, watch the Halloween Tree, give out candy to some adorable Trick-or-Treaters, and then make some cookies. I guess if I'm planning to do all of that I should get to bed as it's 12:30am. I'll write again soon.

Xoxo,


Mel