Moving forward....

It really has been a rough couple of weeks. I can't seem to get back on track since Timmy's death, even though Matthew and I have made a few family decisions that should really have propelled me on my way, but they haven't. I've been struggling with everything in life coming at me at once and I can't seem to get a handle on it.

Matthew and I decided we would start trying for a baby in March when we get home from vacation. By then I need to be down at least another 70 pounds. That means I really need to refocus and get on this. I think I was making a few unrealistic goals with working out, but I'm going to take it down to three to four times per week. This way I don't beat myself up because I missed a workout, but I'm still going to put in a lot of work to make it happen. Once I have a full set of workouts (Shoulders and back, biceps and Triceps, legs, and core) I'll be able to schedule my workouts in a way to get everything in.

I'm really excited for this next step in our lives and the next few months are really going to show the commitment I have towards having a happy and healthy family. 

<3 Mel

Binge

I worked hard all day yesterday to stay within my calorie budget, but when I got home last night a food binge hit like I haven't had in months and I ate so much. It was just like I couldn't stop. After dinner I had cereal, a banana, cheetos, popcorn, a fruit by the foot, and I just couldn't stop myself. I am so disappointed because I knew at the time I needed to stop, but I just couldn't. It has been a long time since I was that powerless against eating. Even though I knew I needed to stop, I just couldn't make myself. It seems like every time I get on the right track in my brain, something happens that I freak out and I binge or don't workout and ruin it.


BUT, today is a new day. I am focused and I am ready. I have another chance to make the right choices and I have every intention to do so. I am going to become the person I want to be in ever area of my life. I am my focus and I am worth it. Even though I have set backs, they will not define me. My determination defines me, my heart defines me, I define me. I'm letting yesterday stay in the past where it belongs and I am looking ahead to a brighter and better future, which is dependent on my today.


Sorry today is so philosophical, I'm just trying to come to grips with my mistakes, forgive myself, and move on. Tomorrow I will write of success.



Mel

Change and Triumph

I believe the weight gain must have been due to elevated sodium or something, because as of today, July 17, 2014, I have lost 30.5 lbs. total, 10 % of my body weight!! :) I'm proud of myself. I have worked hard to get here and I plan to continue. I am going to be in the LOW 250's before my birthday next month. This was really just what I needed to get back on track, to see the progress.


I'm excited to see what happens when life calms down and my focus becomes weight loss and studying for the LSATs. Things have been too crazy for me to be able to make those things a priority, but now that life is getting back to somewhat normal I am going to put my focus on them.


My workout routine will be three runs per week and three times at the gym per week. I will be studying for the LSATs 5 days per week (totaling just over 19 hours). I am going to spend the rest of this summer working hard for the things I want. Not just the summer, my life. If anyone could ever say they hold the characteristics of Hermione Granger, it is me. I am a gunner. I am smart, hard working, and dedicated to the things I believe in. I will work to near exhaustion to get the things I want out of life. I am ready to commit to them in a way I haven't before. I have a fire in me that is ready to consume everything in my path.


I am taking the weekend to recharge. To remember that I am more like Hermione Granger than anyone I've ever known. Then, I am going to attack this weight loss and the LSATs with a veracity like no one has seen. I'm ready to do this.



Mel

Disappointment

It is hard when you make a vow and break it within the first week. My cousin Timmy, a young man of 33 years old passed away this last week. He and I grew up like siblings and this has been a difficult week to say the least. I have had a heavy heart and it has made my weight loss and gym time take a firm back seat. I gained almost 6 pounds in less than a week. I had Starbucks two and three times a day. I did not care about anything because grief had a firm grasp on my life. I am back to 274.9 pounds.

I spent today trying to stay within my calorie budget, but I had Starbucks at breakfast and because we haven't grocery shopped I ate out for lunch and plan to do the same for dinner. I won't make it to the gym this evening, since I'll be at the grocery store, but I'm hoping to get back at it on Thursday. It is hard because my aunt is back up to visit and staying at our house (because of the funeral).

I know that I have to do this for me. It's just hard to put it into perspective when I'm so broken hearted about all of this. All I really want to do is curl up under my covers and watch Harry Potter and sleep. Maybe I'll get to do that for a while tonight. Just stick in my headphones and watch it on my computer. I think it might be relaxing. I have had a very stressful day at work, which followed a very stressful few days off. I know that life is stressful. I understand that there are hard times, but why does it seem that I get it heaped on top of me, one thing after the other, and there is no reprieve? I just need a good month that is completely problem free!!

I hope that happens soon. I'm very overwhelmed at the moment. :(

Work at it

I had my very first personal training session with Ashley last night and boy did she kick my ass! I am SO sore today (and I'm sure I'll be even worse tomorrow!)! There were so many times that I just wanted to give up but I just kept telling myself I am going to do this, I am going to become thin and fit and I pushed through. Ashley was awesome too, she was such a good cheerleader and she really made me feel like I was crushing it. There are just so many reasons I'm doing this and putting in this work, and I HAVE to keep them in my mind, because it is so easy to just say screw it and go back to the way things were.

I am firmly in the 260's now, I weighed in at 268.5 today and I vow not to see the 270's again in my life. I'm going to bust my ass this month because on July 31st I need to be 258.0 and that's 10.5 lbs. in about 3 weeks. I know it's do-able because I'm adding in a SERIOUS workout routine, but I need to make sure I'm on-point with my calories and that I'm working hard to not go over them.

Sustainability has been kind of a hot topic the last few days in the blog world. Not so much of will I be able to maintain the weight once I lose it, but more of will I be able to sustain the way of life I've adapted in order to lose the weight. I think that working out 6 times a week might be a little overkill in the long run, with law school and a full time job, then with a baby (or two) and a serious career, but I'd like to try to make it work. I mean, I want to be fit and active and healthy and I want to make that a priority. I may have to work out longer for less days or shorter for more days to make it work, but I think it is possible. I also haven't really given up on any of the foods I love, I just monitor what it is I eat.

Well that's it for now...

Mel

Another Loss

I weighed in this morning and I lost another pound and a half, bringing me to a total of 28.5 pounds lost. I stuck to my calorie intake on MFP yesterday even though I wanted to eat over. I’m starting my workout regimen today, so I am excited to see what results this new sense of dedication and renewed commitment bring me. I’m proud of myself and I will only work harder from here. I am finally in the 260’s after YEARS of not seeing those numbers on the scale, but I’m NEVER going to see the 270’s again! I’m so excited for what’s coming! Okay off to study for the LSATs. :) 

Reasons for these changes

I don’t take very many of me and my husband because of my weight, but living a long wonderful life with him is my reason number one. The next reason is that we want a baby, but at my current weight, it’s not a possibility. Plus, I want to be a healthy mom and raise my kids to be healthy so they never experience these struggles. The next reason I’m doing this is that I’m planning a trip to Harry Potter World and Universal/Disney in February of next year and I want to be in shape so that by end of day one I’m not dead (because we are going for 10 days). Another reason for me is that my hubby and I are renewing our vows next year for our five year anniversary because we were married in Vegas and so many of our loved ones couldn’t make it. Plus our photographer had a last minute family emergency and so we have NO pictures of our wedding except a quick snap shot of the two of us on the top of the Stratosphere. Another reason is that a picture of me with a big group of my friends is so rare. I hate the way I look in photos and how self conscious I am to get my picture taken. I want to lose weight so that I can actually enjoy moments with my friends and capture them without only being worried that I look so big in all of the pics that I’ll just want to delete them later. My final reason is probably one of the most important. I am doing this for me. I want to be healthy and live a long happy life. I want to be a role model and inspiration to all the others who think (like I have for a long time) that they can’t do it. I want to prove that they can, that I can. Because I’ve always been able to conquer anything that I have put my mind to, except losing weight and that should be NO different. I have started my journey and don’t plan to stop until I reach goal, setbacks be dammed!